Working in the service industry, I get countless bizarre questions, requests and comments; my innumerable "wait did I hear you correctly?" moments have been told and retold bringing an element of the ridiculous to any conversation I find myself in. We all know the well known mantra of the service industry; even those who have never held a service industry position know that "the customer is always right," what they don't know is that it is swiftly and invariably followed by "but they're all bat shit crazy." Since I turned sixteen I've always had a job in some branch of the service industry from receptionist to retail, from bartender to barista and never to be forgotten, the fabled waitress. I have quite a number of stories, many with elaborate back stories and situations. I have however created a small list of a few of the bizarre questions, comments and requests I've dealt with, mostly because I got two of them today in a single shift of work.
The most ridiculous requests, craziest comments and quirky questions:
"If I purchase your "jet bath bubble elixir" can I use it in my room's jet bath?" Yes, we sell a bubble bath specifically designed for use in a jet bath, but don't allow our guests to use it in the jet baths in their rooms. It's not like we're going to walk around knocking on doors, "house keeping, just making sure you aren't using your two person bath tub."
"What time do you turn the water falls off?" Well you see at midnight we press this button in the back office that stops the water flow of the river, without even having a dam.
"I need a sealed bottle of water at 64 degrees Fahrenheit." Please I beg you tell me how I can produce a bottle of water at a temperature of 64 degrees without breaking the seal to test the temperature of the water. Especially when 64 degrees isn't even standard room temperature, let alone the temperature of the cooler in which the bottled waters are stored.
"Can you please ship these candles to my home, which is twenty miles away." Yes I can ship these candles. Granted it would be easier for you to take them now since you literally live in the next town over. please let me charge you twenty dollars for shipping and handling instead of calling one of the valet guys to come and grab the candles and load them into your car for you.
"Cappuccino no foam." Yes of course I can make you a cappuccino with no foam. You do know however that's actually a latte right?
"So the fireplaces, are they real fire?" Yes, the warm crackling fireplaces are in fact real fire with real wood to boot.
"Can you please turn the fog machine by the falls off." Yes, just let me see if the Powers-That-Be would be okay to stop the river flowing with a rate of 20,000 cu ft/sec of water dropping over a 268 foot cliff and crashing into rock and a 60 foot deep pool below. The mist produced from the roaring falls is definitely something we can control.
" I want this Item you had last month." Yes well I'd be happy to sell you that item if we did in fact ever carry it. You're right, even though I spend forty hours a week ordering, receiving, tagging, organizing, selling and inventorying the merchandise we sell here you are right we carried that, not one of the hundred other shops you've been to in the last six months.
The customer is always right is a farce. Sometimes they ask stupid questions or request ridiculous things. The only thing to be done is smile, nod, provide the best possible solution, then go to the back of the house and tell everyone you work with about the bat shit crazy customer you just had.
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