Walked On

I'm tired of being walked on but I'll probably still say "yes". When I was a little girl I read Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine, before Miramax made it into a movie. Ella is cursed with being obedient. She must forever do as she is told, whether she wants to or not. Sometimes I feel like Ella. There is a fine line between being polite and accommodating and being a doormat. I feel like I have a tendency to flirt with that line quite profusely.

I love my family and would bend over backwards for them. Today I kind of feel like I did. I only ever hear from my two siblings closest to me in age when they want something. We grew up as playmates, each others best friends. Yet now, they never call or text to see how I'm doing, they never randomly stop in with cookies to see how things are. I don't know how to show I care except to give and they seem to only take.

I don't want to feel resentful. I don't want to feel like a doormat. I don't want to have to choose between doing things for those I love and  feeling appreciated. I like to do things for others. I just like helping. I'm generous to a fault and today after spending five hours in the kitchen making small freezer lasagnas for my grandma and muddy buddies for my sister to munch on as well as for a couple Christmas parties this weekend, my sisters inconsiderate, rude and surly manner was just too much to take. I snapped at her and though she is an adult and needs to be called on her shit now and again I still felt guilty and I don't like feeling guilty for something I shouldn't. So instead what am I doing? I'm making dinner for everyone, yeah I showed them what for.