Fabulous and Flawed

Everyone has a fatal flaw, even the most fabulous of us. I'm a doormat, in the most endearing and flattering way, of course. The guy I used to work with, we'll call him Vladimir, was fabulous. He treated everyone like a princess or prince. Was fun and full of life, Vlad was the life of any party, could make anyone laugh, made everyone feel comfortable and inspired confidences. He was a total sweetheart as long as you weren't the one dating him. His fatal flaw, was his constant and never ending search for love and approval.

The biggest fight I ever had with any boyfriend was over my friendship with Vlad. Vlad had a way of bringing out the best in everyone around him and the worst in himself. I don't like the statement "once a cheater always  cheater." People can realize their mistake and never repeat it. I prefer the the idea "second time a cheater always a cheater." That was a side-effect of Vlad's flaws. He cheated on everyone he ever dated. In retrospect I would definitely say he was a sociopath. Not criminal, by no means antisocial, but he definitely lacked a sense of moral responsibility and social conscience.

My boyfriend John's flaw was his trust issues. I get that he had seen his playboy older brother use and discard woman and saw similarities between his brother and Vlad. The two men however had  two fundamentally different flaws governing this behavior. Vlad was a sociopath trying to feel something, love, contentment, comfort, you name it. Dave however was a military man. His fatal flaw was his desperate need to play soldier. A lasting connection is so rarely forged over a four month stateside period of time. He didn't mean to discard the woman he dated. They were just unfortunate casualties of an active duty Army man. He had a tendency to forget about them when he wasn't sleeping with them, which is kind of understandable when he has bullets flying and bombs going off.

I'm not entirely sure what John thought would happen with me and Vlad. Probably the worst, and that's the clincher. Call it childish naivety, but at the time I didn't get his insecurity. I was so unbelievably, crazy in love with John that jumping into bed with Vlad wasn't even a blip on any radar conscious or unconscious. However twenty-two year old boys are rife with insecurities, even when they are tall gorgeous hunks who walk around with an aura of self assured confidence, aplomb, and equanimity. Vlad and our platonic friendship wasn't the end of John and my relationship, if it had been I might have had to pull a Mr. Darcy and hate Vlad forever. I can only feel disappointment toward Vlad these days. I wish Vlad could find love, joy and contentment without destroying the confidence of every woman he dates. I wish he could be happy without having to juggle multiple girls. I wish he was a man and not a child, but some twenty-two year old boys really are vicious children, even when they're now twenty-six.

The coup de grace of this is that I'm flawed, despite how fabulous I am. I still am  irrefutably flawed. I've never cheated on anyone but myself. I'll bend over backwards and twist myself into knots for those I love, an even those I don't. At the end of the day I'm the one who bleeds, I'm the one whose heart aches and I'm the one who has no one to blame but myself.